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Whitman TV

August 31, 2013
Whitman by M. Chaney; oil on cardboard; 4.5"x5"

Whitman by M. Chaney; oil on cardboard; 4.5″x5″

Twenty percent off and legendary performances of steaming pizza when you book direct with us and the big eyed girl-lady who never sold you insurance and mice with tremolo pompadours who tell your doctor if you’ve had any kind of infection, yellowing, joint damage or pet odors that get deep into your carpets and pores now with ten percent more, hurt on the job or bit by a dog, only you can prevent extreme tartar build-up with the freshest ingredients, which nine out of ten dentists agree, have the touch and feel of fine Corinthian fibers, Italian tailoring, French taste, and German engineering in a valley where children eat vegetables at the fair thick with white number five, xenoleviathan, psyclothanotosphenoalanon-thermonucleocidal guar gum, xanthumite, dolomite, vegemite, edge of night, lite brite, worth the fight, despite the hype, knowing just how many boxes of bran cereal packed tight it takes to match this pill of eliminall: a pyramid the size of a Las Vegas casino, your airways destination, roomy, fast, or cheap (PICK TWO!) and remember that you can’t beat these prices and if you can, we’ll pay you respect, in nimble letters legally blind at the bottom of the screen, the touch, the feel of deception, the fine print of your life, the finest fine print that loves you back. It’s warm as a sentence. And operators are standing by if you act now in a phone bank in New  Delphi Babylon where every carpet is magically allergen resistant, one of a kind, fit for a prince, softer than clouds, refuses to hate freedom (and so rarely gets bombed), and is cheaper than all the beads of sweat in the palm of your palm, than all the tea and bought-debt in China, where even your repetition comes half off, so that even your history, your deep primordial pterodactyl past comes in technicolor, but only for a price (at the bottom of the tablet–your prehistoric phone bill–the fine chiseling cuneiforms a thirty percent mark up). You feel good when you buy a thing and bad when you can’t but even better when you sell dear, buy low, pick and pay, stop and shop, buy rite, wax rich, wallet pop, budget burst, upside down and sideways on your loans, under water, in too deep, scuba moneyed, stretched thin and blowing it all on the quacking numbers, baby, which glaze over every day, because America runs, ducking empty.

From → Surreal Rants

4 Comments
  1. How did anyone write creative fiction before remotes were invented? Another bit of fun, thank you.

  2. Brieuse Bernhard Piers-Gûdmönd permalink

    Well done! Being from “Down Under”, I was disappointed you used psyclothanotosphenoalanonthermonucleocidal guar gum in the same sentence as vegemite.

  3. elephantthrown permalink

    Thanks Michael glad you read something you liked. Nice site will keep an eye out for your updates

  4. So I’ve been drinking a bit… And yeah, reading this was difficult because of it. I was laughing the whole way through. I love the mental bombardment!

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