Some Traits of Highly Ineffective People
I confess. I used to watch shameless hours of talk shows. And why not? TV lulls. It is repetition as reassurance. That’s why, as I always say, if you’ve seen one sensational lie detector test, just wait till you’ve seen all three hundred and fifty.
But aside from revelations, like, “Reader, you ARE…not the father,” I’m also a sucker for psychology in all its televised varieties–from porch to bumper sticker and every school of hard knocks and hackneyed wit in between. My favorite bit of brain sludge recently has been all this hub-bub about highly effective people. I find it all simply electrifying. Nothing will move me to tears of happiness faster than a recitation of such rare nuggets of wisdom associated with the successful (i.e., the rich) as “a positive self image” a “can-do attitude” and some attention to “hygiene.”
The only void I noticed in all that ethnography of the alpha-dogs barking among us is balance. Where’s the focus on the omega dogs some of us actually are? Aren’t mediocre folks and losers worthy of a list of characteristics as useful as the one really great parents consult when determining whether their teen is on drugs or not?
Forget about all those non-essential questions like: Does Junior seem to giggle uncontrollably with glassy eyes after being visited by a strange new friend he refers to as his “connect”?
Only those of us in the know, we talk show watchers, have the real skinny on the best diagnostic queries: “Does Junior seem aloof, dismissive, or, worse, angry, when you ask about his alleged drug use?”
Finally, here’s a list that will dissect the particulars of the world’s most highly ineffective people.
1. Elevator Inelegance. You step into an elevator at midday with a murder of suits. One person automatically assumes the bellboy attitude pushing buttons and taking floor requests. Once the box moves, every pair of eyes flit up to scan the lighted numbers–all except one pair. Those belong to Mr. Ineffective, often mistaken for Peeping Tom or Weird Wendy, who will not fail to utilize any elevator ride as an opportunity to practice reckless eye-balling, loud nasal breathing, and very audible, menacingly slow snickering.
2. Soiled Filter. There are some naughty pranksters who like to shoot so fast from the hip, they’ve acquired a reputation for it. You know the type. You walk into the party with dirt on your chin and the first words outta their mouth is
Watch it there, Marilyn Monroe, your mole is migrating.
These types tell it like it is, even when what they’ve got to tell is not so nice. They have no filter. Well, ineffective people have filters. Only their filters are very dirty though seldom very interesting:
Hey, everybody, look who’s got dog poo on their chin. Ha ha. What’ve you been doing? Huh? Putting dog poo on your chin.
3. Fin Shake. Go-getters give you that Johnny America handshake with some starch in the grip and lots of enamel in your face. Right when you want to scream or wince a little they let go. Ineffective people don’t do vice grips. Shaking hands with them leaves you wondering about the humidity. Inevitably clammy hands are only made worse for having the tensile strength and texture of a slice of deli cheese.
4. Helpless Wanted. You can always spot the ineffective at work. When you feel your temperature rising, look across the counter and there they are. If you’re being ignored at a government office or suffering a thousand deaths while waiting in line at a facility related to medicine, law, insurance, automobiles, or personal banking, don’t worry. You’re soul is being pitchforked by professionals. If your business involves food, retail, education, credit cards, or utilities, however, beware. The inefficient lurk half asleep in every cubicle, eating lunch-time sandwiches with sauces purling onto their chests at every chair.
5. Today! (is a dumb show). They say tomorrow is not a day but a rug losers sweep their dreams under. They are probably the same “they” who run marathons, read fine print, and floss. For the ineffective, Teevo makes yesterday happen today. Right now, in fact. You see, the ineffective are part of a “they” who say TV is pretty cool and so are some shows on there. But being on time for stuff is difficult and that made being a punctual fan of shows impossible. Until Teevo. Of course, for most ineffective boob-tubers, Teevo is a utility that “used to work”–like the toaster on the roof–before service got shut off. Stupid bills! The ineffective are on it, though. They’ve been writing insistent letters to the head office–none of that e-mail nonsense. They mean business.
6. Gittin’er Done Irregardless. Seemingly without ambition, witless, and having less inner spark than a wet match, the ineffective still make strong advancements in language. Without even knowing it themselves, they have changed the official tongue with their ever-eroded patois. Their misprision yesterday enters the OED as acceptable today. Don’t bother telling them about duct tape. The box store sells it back to them labeled “Duck Tape” in quacking droves for them to make wallets for their duckets. They don’t know about the ascendancy of ducks. They’ll call it that irregardless of the rules. The rule has become a mute point to them, really mute, because moot is just weird and so gardeners nothing but weedy silence. They would of said duck anyhows because power to the people–and in the field of language as in no other–to the ineffective ones.
Beyond these traits, here’s a few questions to help you diagnose Junior’s effectivity:
- Does Junior miss catching public transportation at appointed times?
- Is Junior reduced to public transportation after losing a vehicle to accumulated parking or speeding tickets, or because his primary vehicle has something minor “busted” on it and has been awaiting repair in the rust-inducing elements for more than a month?
- Has Junior been considering a career in politics or cable TV installation?
If so, then Junior just may be ineffective. If you answered yes to all, then Junior is most certainly a highly ineffective person.